Warning! Brutal Honesty With God in a Forgotten Blog Draft

God,

You know that I am in a state of confusion, anxiety, fear, exhaustion. I am tired of struggling, but know no other way. I do not want to truly seek you because I do not understand what that means, and when I think of the times that I have tried to seek you, I feel as if I have not gotten the response which I was looking for..a response I believed to be promised in scritpure. As hard as I try to wrap my head and thoughts around Christianity, and me practicing it, I come up short. I do not know what it means to be saved anymore, or how salvation is attained. I do not know what or when or where or why to pray anymore. I have a life, which I get up every morning and live. I live this life because I have a family and I love them, but I no longer know what it means to live it for You.

It all seems so very delusional, the Christian life. I want to understand it. I want to live it. But, perhaps, I still want to live it out of fear; fear of the unknown of afterlife, fear of not having any purpose for myself, fear of not belonging to anything, fear of insignificance, fear of success or failure, fear of losing control, fear of abandonment, fear that there may be freedom apart from You, fear that You are real when I am sometimes not so sure You are, fear that Christianity is my only hope of filling the inevitable void that lurks in my heart whenever I am silent. I do not trust that I can trust enough. If You give me strength, I am both blind and mute to it. I press on with with heady and ideal thoughts, looking and listening for the answer. Maybe this answer I am seeking is to an invalid question, maybe this yearning is not a question: is it a warning? a sign of success?