In Question

Moving Blogs

2005-10-12T11:03:00.000-05:00

Under the guidance of a great grogging guru, I have decided to only post on one blog site, www.appalachianthoughts.blogspot.com . I will keep this site up for a awhile until I can bear to let it go:(

In Praise of Townes Van Zandt

2005-10-11T13:31:00.000-05:00

I like TVZ because he speaks volumes in a few simple words. Here's an example;

Time flows through brave beginnings
and leaves her endings beneath our feet
walk lightly upon their faces
leave gentle traces
upon their sleep

Living is dancin'
Dying does nothing at all
Babe and I are lying here
Watching the evening fall

Say What You Mean!

2005-08-13T14:37:00.000-05:00

Today my wife says "Are you going to wash towels today?" I replied, "I don't know... really haven't thought about it." She continued "Well, the kid's water shoes are mildewed from the trip to the beach. I just thought if you were going to wash towels, that you could throw the shoes in the wash with them."

Now, this exchange did not bother me. However, it did make me wonder why she could not have asked me outright to wash the towels and the shoes.

The way I feel today about my blog!

2005-08-11T08:23:00.000-05:00

I guess that today I feel as if my last two blogs are psuedophilosophical crap. I do not care that much about the ins and outs of what information is and is not. I care whether or not I am comfortable today. I care about whether or not I might lose it with my kids today. I care about how I am going to get through friday's gig with Ethan. I care about my wife's commute. I care about my friend's mother-in-law and grandmother-in-law.

Dirt, David Legg says, DIRT! Ashes to ashes, dust to dust--WE ALL FALL DOWN! This is the game I play. This is the culmination of all information. I live each day in hopes of maybe prolonging my return to DIRT. Information either lets me realize my connection to death or merely entertains me in the meantime. DIRT, David Legg says,Dirt! From dust I came--to it I WILL return.

I will then mingle once again with the unconscious elements and unbecome the miracle I have been. I may then nourish and become part of another, my elemental parts separated into atoms and then restored in myriads of other living beings...plants, trees (absorbed in the root and through osmosis raised to the heights of a flower or fruit, only to be eaten by the deer, squirrel, or bird that passes by--or maybe to lay on the ground and decay once again into atoms), mammals, insect, or reptile.

Yea, I need information of all sorts. Then again, there is all sorts I could care less about. That sums up how I feel about information at this present moment.

Happy Clogging!

Information 2 Comment on Comment

2005-08-10T21:39:00.000-05:00

The comments I received from my previous blog have helped me to realize that I was unclear as to my intent; moreover, it is important to state that the last blog ended with a question that was meant to be taken literally so as to explore the usefulness of information to us as humans.
The first comment was this: “A computer scientist somewhere just died: ‘Information . . . I will take to mean data’." My definition of information was an compilation of several definitions in which the word data is used profusely. Thus, it was included in the definition. Upon researching the definition of data, I have learned that it is the plural of datum whose Latin root means a gift or present. A complete definition (before computer scientists used the word) of datum/data is as follows:
1. Something given, granted, or admitted: a premise upon which something can be argued or inferred: usually in the plural: as, the problem could not be solved, owing to insufficient data.
2. In mathematics, certain relationships or quantities, given or known, from which unknown quantities are determined.
I would say that data is a type of information even to the computer scientist. Who, without knowing data or the information pertaining to how it works, would be unable to program.
The second comment is as follows:
“Isn't information (the processed "data") somehow necessary to provide the bare necessities? For me to be anything more than a slug, I have to have information. From the time that I wake up in the morning until I lay my head down, I encounter thousands of bytes of data from my senses that are interpreted into information.

At a basic level I must have information. For example, how is one to know where to catch the fish for dinner without the information about which bait fish are biting and where? At a micro level we have basic informational needs that that provide for the basic needs that you have listed. In the modern world, how is one to catch that preverbal fish without the information of our careers?”
This is precisely the kind of questioning I wished the reader to engage in. Maybe we can think of information, as it pertains to pure physiological survival, into two categories, those being 1) instinctual information and 2) rational information.

1) Instinctual information is that in which we do not always consciously engage such as temperature regulation. Our bodies receive the information that we are overheating and then responds by sweating and vasodilation at our skin. The fact that we seek out a beverage is also instinctual as others animals seek water instinctually, without rational thought. However, there is a fine line between rational and instinctual information.

2) Rational information is that kind of information in which humans can engage that animals and other beasts cannot—if it is that rationality is what truly separates us from them. Here we can say that in our culture that to survive we must have a means or vocation by which we procure money with which to buy essentials.

Information and Needs

2005-08-08T15:05:00.000-05:00

My fellow bloggers at
Floydville and e-community have been wrestling with the idea of the current deluge of information that we have available to us in our culture. I would like to delve into this topic by asking the question “What information does a human need?”

The first step is to clearly define the words “information” and “need” and “human need” This discussion can in no way be exhaustive, may extend over a few posts, and may never be finished.

Information is a noun which, for our purposes, I will take to mean data, facts, advice, or knowledge gathered from media, reading, or others through instruction.

The word need can be used syntactically as a noun, verb, or adverb. I would like to define the word in the strictest sense to mean a necessity, something unavoidable and indispensable.

What a human needs is, therefore, something without which a human could not live.

Let me reiterate and rephrase the question at hand. What information does a human need? In other words, what kind of gathered data, facts or knowledge is required for a human’s existence? Furthermore, how does this pertain to our current culture?

In terms of survival, the human has the physiological needs of food, water and shelter just as any other mammal. Given the additional rational component of man, he has psychological needs. To propagate the species a human has relational needs. In what way is information necessary to these needs?

New Blog

2005-08-08T09:38:00.000-05:00

I created a new blog today, Appalachian Thoughts,
after watching a PBS documentary on the history of Appalachian culture.

Grogger?

2005-07-21T09:32:00.001-05:00

Well, it has been a while since I have felt the urge to write here upon the electronic pages of the web. I was inspired by my friend Jeremey's blog "Bloggers, Cloggers and Groggers." His link is to the right.

I would say that I am a grogger with some clogger tendencies of spell-checking and grammar errors. But, deep down, I wonder if all true groggers should be and look like my friend Doug looks at his blogspot, a man with a long grey-brown beard and lunatic, wary eyes. A man whose blogs are forged over intense moments--like Faulkner writing in the hot sun on a steel barrel--only to be posted at precisely the right moment for maximum prophetic significance. Alas, I can never live up to this true grogging. Doug is an inspiration to this wannabe grogger. In the light of his grogging greatness I am only an intermittent clogger. Long live floydville.

Ethical Questions

2005-06-02T09:01:00.000-05:00

In my psych 110 class an ethical dilemma was posed. My response was met with oppositon by classmates and friends. So here, I hope to explain my position so that it is understandable.

The question is what would you do if your wife's death was inevitable due terminal disease and the only opportunity to save her was to raise $2000 for a newly approved medication that would completely cure her? You were only able to raise $1000 and the purveyor of the drug refused a price reduction or partial payment with later installments. What do you do?

Most responses were that stealing the drug is justified because the life of your wife is at stake. Societal rules can be bent in such situations.

I disagreed, stating that I could not steal the drug because it is not mine to take under any circumstance. My friend pointed out to me an earlier statement that I had made in which I indicated that I would have no problem taking someone else's life, even in a violent manner if threatenend. He asked how I could take a man's life, but not his property if my wife's life were at jeopardy. This definely made me pause. Nevertheless, I stand firm. Here is the justification.

To begin with, anyone taking what is not their own is wrong. Society, yea even The Almighty, has deemed it so. The apparent cognitive dissonance is congruent to me because both instances involve someone taking what is not rightfully theirs. If I feel my life is threatened by someone who wishes to take it, then I can defend myself, causing his death, with out recourse of law or conscious. If I take someone's property then I, personally, cannot defend myself by either law or conscious for the theft.

But, obviously, the question looms of how I could deal with my consious knowing that I let my wife die when there was a cure. This is tricky and uncertain at best. In the scenario I am left with two choices if I believe that stealing is wrong. One, I can steal the drug and my wife will live: the result being that I have my love and a guilty conscious that would personally drive me nuts for the rest of my life. Each time I looked at my wife it would be with the realization that I cheated a man for her life. For some, this is apparently not a problem. The second choice is, as previously mentioned, living everyday knowing that I might could have my wife alive if I would only have cheated another man.

For this to be resolved one must wrestle with the question of who is responsible for the life of my wife. To what degree is a husband responsible for the physical well-being of his mate. My personal answer is that it is to the degree that it is within my legal and moral power to do so. If I cannot in any way procure the funds for the drug and he, the purveyor, refuses to give it to me then I have done all that I can do under any law, including God's law in the legal and New Testament spirit-of-the-law grace sense. Disagree? Show me a scripture.

One thing is for certain to me. The drug owner is in no way responsible for my wife's life or death under the current circumstance. Particuarly if he is not a Christian, for he would not be subject to God's law. Furthermore, a justification of theft implies that if there is harm done to the drug owner, then it is minimal. This is only true under many assumptions such as; he has plenty of the drug; taking the drug for my wife will not result in the death of another person; or stealing the drug would not cause direct harm to the man's family because of financial reasons. Assumptions cannot be proven. Acting on assumptions is a selfish motivation.

Which brings me to another gray area. If scripture says to do nothing out of selfish ambition and to always put others before yourself, then does these maxims help to resolve our ethical dilemma. On one hand, it is selfish to steal. But it could be construed that it would be selfish not to steal the drug. If I do not steal the drug I am putting my interest over the interest of my wife's health. I should be able to withstand the consequences of the theft for her sake even if they include imprisonment. She could say that her husband loved her enough to go to prison for her life. How cozy! This latter statement suggests that life is everything, which is contrasted by Paul who says that to be with Christ is everything.

Ultimately, I want to believe that earthly life is not everything. Yes, relationships are the best thing I have here and their earthly physical ending is horrible. But, if I save my wife's life with theft it assumes that we have quantitatively more time together. Who guarantees this statement? There is not enven a guarantee that her medical prognosis is accurate? There is no certainty that she cannot live a qualitatively good life with the terminal illness. I hope to learn to live each moment as if it were my last, even this one as I type. If I am killed in an accident today, did I enjoy my last footsteps? breath? kiss goodbye? hug from my child? branch brushing my arm? rotten smell? pain? regret? Have tried to notice all that this moment and day has to offer, both good and bad? If so, then I know that I have done all there is to do with my wife and loved ones and will have no regrets. How cozy!

Please, I encourage comments that disagree.

Rain-Watching

2005-05-20T16:26:00.000-05:00

I love my grandfather. I call him Granddaddy. Though he may have some time left on earth, I am afraid, due to Alzheimer’s disease, that his story is finished. He no longer remembers his children, grandchildren, or great grandchildren. He does not even have the strength to clip his own fingernails. He exists.

This morning, as I noticed the rain from my garage, I recalled sitting with Granddaddy in his garage, rain-watching. We would sit in small wooden ladder-back chairs at the edge of the garage and watch as the rain soaked his red and dingy-white-faced Herefordshire cattle in the undulate green fields. We watched as the snow ball bush limbs became arched as the blooms were weighed down with the water. Rain drops splattered in small mud pools. Swift little currents formed in the gray gravel drive, carving grooves and ruts. Time seemed to magically slow down. An hour of a good rain was like a long afternoon.

I do not know what Granddaddy thought about for I remember him being mostly silent while rain-watching. Maybe he thought of the war, fence mending, or dinner; or maybe he wondered what I would grow up to be. I do not know. I just remember wondering why he wanted to watch the rain.

So today as the morning rain splattered violently on my black suburban asphalt driveway, I sat with my son Gabriel and watched the rain, wondering what Granddaddy thought about when he used to watch the rain.

Warning! Brutal Honesty With God in a Forgotten Blog Draft

2005-05-04T05:37:00.000-05:00

God,

You know that I am in a state of confusion, anxiety, fear, exhaustion. I am tired of struggling, but know no other way. I do not want to truly seek you because I do not understand what that means, and when I think of the times that I have tried to seek you, I feel as if I have not gotten the response which I was looking for..a response I believed to be promised in scritpure. As hard as I try to wrap my head and thoughts around Christianity, and me practicing it, I come up short. I do not know what it means to be saved anymore, or how salvation is attained. I do not know what or when or where or why to pray anymore. I have a life, which I get up every morning and live. I live this life because I have a family and I love them, but I no longer know what it means to live it for You.

It all seems so very delusional, the Christian life. I want to understand it. I want to live it. But, perhaps, I still want to live it out of fear; fear of the unknown of afterlife, fear of not having any purpose for myself, fear of not belonging to anything, fear of insignificance, fear of success or failure, fear of losing control, fear of abandonment, fear that there may be freedom apart from You, fear that You are real when I am sometimes not so sure You are, fear that Christianity is my only hope of filling the inevitable void that lurks in my heart whenever I am silent. I do not trust that I can trust enough. If You give me strength, I am both blind and mute to it. I press on with with heady and ideal thoughts, looking and listening for the answer. Maybe this answer I am seeking is to an invalid question, maybe this yearning is not a question: is it a warning? a sign of success?

Thanks John Paul II

2005-04-19T07:27:00.000-05:00

Lately I've been snowed under with school work. But I have learned something that does not pertain to school.

Despite my prejudices and doctrinal disagreements, I have come to my own appreciation of how the Catholic church is valuable to the Christian community. For me, Catholicism represents a steady and unchanged force through the centuries in tradition, doctrine and philosophy (ethics).

The traditions I used to hate because I thought it represented something almost magic like. But, as I have begun to understand that the original intent of the traditions was to draw a person into worship, I can then see the value of the traditions, and more so, I find myself curious to participate in them.

Many of the Catholic doctrines I would disagree with at this point primarily because I do not understand them and at my present prejudicial interpretation of them. I am still leary. That being said, it is undeniable that some of the earliest and greatest theological minds were Catholic. Augustine, Anselm, Assisi, just to name a few A's, have greatly influenced past and present theologians, be they Catholic, protestant, or whatever. Whoever thinks in terms of western Christianity is indebted to the Catholic church's exploration of theology and philosophy.

In the realm of philosophy and ethics the Catholic church has out-shined the greatest protestant thinkers. Of course, this is all my opinion. One just has to look to the late Pope John Paul II. His encyclical, FIDE ET RATIO, is a clear example of how the Catholic church values philosophy. In this encyclical he makes it very clear that the Catholic church's mission is, in part, to wrestle with and understand philosophy. Without their commitment to the study of theology and philosophy, the pro-life crowd would has little to stand on. In the world of bioethics, it is the Catholic church whose written and well though out arguments are contended with by secular bioethicists. Protestants owe them much, for the language of life which they speak has its origin in Vatican City.

Lastly, I would extend my personal condolences to those who knew the late Pope and to those he has influenced. I would, furthermore, give my apologies to the Catholic church for misunderstanding and under-appreciating their value in the Christian community.

Nursing

2005-03-10T16:15:00.000-05:00

My acceptance into the upper division nursing program at UTK gives rise to two different responses. The first is one where expected feelings give rise to the want to celebrate. The second response is of apprehension and fear. The reasons for these feelings come from the fact that I am now most likely locking myself into a specific practice from which I will earn a living for the foreseeable future. Even though there is a wide range of situations and environments in which one can be practicing nurse, this response remains.

Because of this response, I am often tongue tied when asked why I want to be a nurse. Moreover, if I were to answer the person with the utter truth, I am afraid they would either not understand or wish that they had never asked. So maybe I can write my true response in this blog and then refer people here.

ONE: I am becoming a nurse because I love my wife. She is tired of bearing all of the financial burden for our family. She does this because we have her school debt to pay off and I need to attend college. Well truthfully, I did attend college and left with a music degree. Afterwhich, I stayed at home with our two young kids for a year. It was after that year that she and I both became tired of our then current situation. She did not want to bear all of the financial burden and I no longer wanted to stay home with the kids. I wanted to contribute to the finances. So I chose nursing: it was a practical decision.

TWO: The few vocations that I have had my hands in, or are familiar with, all have a mantra that goes something like "you should not become a (fill in the blank) just to earn a good salary. You should do this profession because you love it." To this mantra I say--hogwash. I understand that one should not hate work, but I also understand that one should not derive one's self-worth from a profession.

At one time, I tried to derive my self-worth from any activity in which I was actively involved; things such as church, work, music, or sports. It was then I would say that "I am happy because I am in or doing or am this or that." The problem is that I kept skipping around looking for happiness in different places, while all along being very unsettled in my spirit. Though I was unhappy, there would always be this hope that I would be fulfilled in the particular activity in which I was currently involved. It has never happened. It never will.

My spirit will always remain unsettled and searching. I describe this feeling as a brooding: it is like looking in the dictionary for a word and definition without knowing either the word or definition you are searching for. The problem is that the dictionary is only a rational thing. There is a deeper knowing which is beyond the rational mind. It is the type of knowing which may occur between God and animal when, as He mentions in Job, he cares for the doe as she gives birth to a fawn(I think that this is a correct illustration from job, forgive me if it is not; however, I believe the scenario could be easily inferred). It is the type of knowing which occurs between lovers as they sit, after years of marriage, in silence--content just to be in each others presence.

It could be that this brooding is God trying to get through to me that He is ever present and ever speaking. As C.S. Lewis says, he is the very one holding me together at this moment, sustaining my energy with His life. My problem is that I have always imagined God speaking to me rationally, compelling to my intellect in words I could decipher. Maybe God's voice is that question that remains consistently in me making me search. Gleefully, I can report that I do believe that God's voice has more to do with love than anything else. I heard someone say (here again I may fall into referencing error) that St. Francis of Assissi said to preach the gospel wherever you go, and if necessary use words.

So, in essence, I chose nursing because this brooding will not stop and there is not any profession which can make it stop. If there were, I do not have the time to find it.

Just An Observation

2005-02-07T17:39:00.000-05:00

I go alone to the public places of our society and witness something incredible; communication. We breathe in and then exhale--the breath moves past our vocal chords while our lips and tongue move to articulate to the listener the very angst in our souls. All of this takes place under the guidance of the nervous system which tells the muscular system, skeletal system and pulmonary system what to do. Hearing is no less a physiological miracle. Air vibrates through into the ear canal; hits the ear drum, which then the moves the ossicles; which, in turn, vibrates the oval window; then, all of this vibrates fluid and tiny hairs in the organ of corti. These vibrations are then translated into a chemical signal which is transmitted to the brain and recognized as language: thus, we have communication.

What is even more amazing to me is that all of this physiology can produce feelings. Hearing a snipit of a song can conjure up memories long forgotten. Telling someone that you love them can subside great fears in them. Yelling "fire!" in public can produce panic. Whispering in a child's ear can soothe them to sleep. Hearing harsh words as a child can produce defense mechanisms which can take years to overcome.

It is interesting that Jesus is known as the Word of God; and even more amazing is that God spoke and there was existence. Maybe it is that God created us with the specific intent of being hearers first and then speakers. Nevertheless, words are powerful. The old saying of "sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me" is an outright falsehood. A few words from the serpent in the garden put mankind in a awful place.

What Was I Thinking?

2005-01-31T06:42:00.000-05:00

A couple of blog posts ago I mentioned that I was ready for my "normal" life to begin. Well, it has. I got up at ten til five this morning, got to school at six-thirty, and I am now in the process of delaying the task of studying for an exam which I will take at 1:25 this afternoon; moreover, I will not be done with school today until 9:00pm this evening. WHAT WAS I THINKING?

Rabbit Fur Trail

2005-01-28T11:42:00.000-05:00

One fine day at UT in the blissful, leafless, and below 30 degree weather of the current windy winter I saw a young man wearing a bomber's hat lined with fluffy rabbit fur. I then had the following train of thought: "an animal's rights advocate (ARA)would not like the hat because the rabbit had to have died to keep the young man's ears warm. What would I say if it were me who was wearing the hat and I was confronted by a person involved in the rabbit wing of the ARA group. I would reply by saying 'I am very grateful to the rabbit for its sacrifice which keeps me warm.' I then thought; what if the ARA were stranded without a warm hat in a very cold place; a place in which he must choose to wear the fur hat or die. He too would choose to don the fur hat and be grateful to the rabbit."

What does this train of thought have to do with anything? Glad you asked. We humans are so jaded by our abilities, derived from our gift to think rationally, that we fail to see how utterly dependent on the earth we are. Our physical nature would, without rational thinking, make us the prey in the natural realm. Think of yourself as Gollum without loin cloth or rational thought. Just imagine yourself naked in the winter grappling for nuts along with the deer and squirrels--or even trying to catch prey with your hand to gnaw it with your teeth and rip it with your uncut fingernails. Remember you would have no rational ability to make weapons. We are in many respects very inferior to our animal cousins.

The trail stops here: we must have been made this way to realize our dependency on something. For me this something is God.

Should I Send This Letter?

2005-01-21T13:18:00.000-05:00

Dear Ray’s,

While I was drinking a cup of coffee and studying at your establishment last Friday morning, an event occurred which has caused me to decide to no longer do any business at Ray’s.

A female student came into your business and purchased a breakfast biscuit. She then accidentally dropped her breakfast on the floor. She asked to have her meal replaced. It was replaced free of charge by the cashier, who I assume is Ray the proprietor. The cook began to question the cashier about why he would give the girl another meal for free when the first meal was the girl’s responsibility not to drop. The cook argued that the girl should have been made to pay for the second biscuit. The cook went on to say out loud that he was trying to shame her publicly for asking for the second biscuit for free. The cook and the cashier made such a scene that the girl became embarrassed and decided to pay for the biscuit. The cashier refused her money, but at the same time asked her if she would have expected another establishment to give her a free meal after she dropped it in their parking lot. The girl felt so badly that she threw the second biscuit away and left without eating. I observed and heard all of this.

I can see both sides of the story. On one hand, the first meal was the girl’s responsibility and she could have been asked to either pay for a second biscuit or do without. Regarding such accidents that occur at Ray’s, the cashier would have every right to state his policy. On the other hand, the girl asked for a second biscuit and it was given to her out of the cashier’s own volition; moreover, he must have had the authority to do so.
The public scorn that she received is the problem from my vantage point, not who was right or wrong. This incident has most likely cost you the business of two customers—if not more. I worked in food service for about seven years of my life and I know that businesses usually try to keep food cost to around 30-35%. If this is true for your establishment, then you were most likely still making profit in this “two for one deal.” Even if your other costs, such as labor and rent, exceeded the remaining 30-40% beyond what the food cost would have been for the two biscuits (~60-70% of the cost of one biscuit), it would have been negligible compared with losing the future business.

I just thought you should know why you have lost a customer.

David Moore

Let The Normal Begin!

2005-01-17T15:43:00.000-05:00

It is MLK Day and I am ready to begin my normal life again. Holidays are like seasons to me. I anticipate their coming, enjoy them for what they are, and am ready for them to go when they are over. I think this is because there is very little rhythm to life during the holiday season. Although it is restful, it is yet very unpredictable with all the parties and last minute plans. There is something to be said for the normal: without normal. what would make a holiday so special?

Library Lilliputian

2004-12-23T13:25:00.000-05:00

Being in a library reminds me of how little I know. In a library, such as the ones found at large universities, I may have read one book for every 100,000 books housed there. I would say that is a very generous percentage for myself. The funny thing is that I think that I know a lot of stuff. But how can I know very much when it would take me two or three lifetimes to read all the volumes at one library?

Now, I am an educated guy with one degree under my belt and another in the works, but I am humbled to know that I will always know so little. Moreover, what I do know I mostly learned from others who know very little. How many books would a prolific author publish? How many subject matters could he cover in depth?

For many published works there are countless interpretations comprising volumes upon volumes of books. Just look at the Christian bookstores. A store of books devoted to one book. How many books have been written about Darwin (who probably knew very little) or expounding on his hypothesis of the origins of man. Science is now dedicated to prove this one man's works. Is it just me or does all this seem rather pointless? So what if creation or evolution is right! How much can it possibly mean to be right about so little?

The point here is that though many people think they know much, they actually know a miniscule amount of information. This is more disturbing when I remember what mama told me--"don't believe everything you read!"

Speechless!

2004-12-22T14:20:00.000-05:00

Today my daughter Madeleine gave me a big hug and said

"Pappa, you're my best gift."

Merry Christmas to me!

The Ghost of Religion Past

2004-12-21T15:53:00.000-05:00

Today, I had a visit from the ghost of religion past. It was a moment of small circumstance, yet one which delves deep into the psyche of my religious past.

It happened at the nearby Turkey Creek Shopping center while procuring from four of the strip mall’s stores one pair of mittens, a roll of parchment paper, four light bulbs, paper towels and a Christmas tree topper. The kids and I started at the Target, located on the west end of the strip mall, where we found the light bulbs and paper towels. We then strategically reparked the car on the east end between Linen-N-Things and Old Navy to find the remaining items. We found the mittens and parchment paper, and then decided to walk the short distance to Wal-Mart for the unfound tree topper. We never found the tree topper but came out with two snowman straw-cups for the kids.

At Wal-Mart I was tired of chasing the two rug rats around and had put them in a shopping buggy. Leaving the store, I decided to use this buggy beyond the Wal-Mart zone. I pride myself on always putting these shopping carts in their proper place, but today I was tired and the buggy was going out of the zone. I buckled the kids in their seats, started the car, locked the car door, and looked for a place to put the buggy. There was no proper place to put it. I had to leave it on the curb in the middle of the parking lot. I pushed the buggy to the landscaped curb and propped it up between two cars. Because I thought that one of the cars may hit the buggy, I decided to push it all the way up on the curb and wedge it between the small bushes. At this moment, when I was fighting off the guilt of this terrible action, I turned to see two old people sitting in their car and staring at me. A moment’s stare revealed that these were people from the church I grew up in; and they had seen me SIN.

This small incident is a good example of how religion can eat at us for no reason. OK, I wasn’t doing the “right thing,” but with two kids in the car I could not have just walked 200 yards back to Wal-Mart with the buggy. I should have either moved the car to the right parking lot to begin with or carried the kids the distance back to the car. That being said, none of it justifies the thought process I learned in religion. As soon as I saw and recognized these people (remember they never said anything), I began a though process which I have recognized and fought for the past few years. I began envisioning these people’s disappointment with me, telling myself that I had amounted to a no good sinner. Seriously--over a shopping cart. There is much, much more to this but you get the idea.

Fortunately, I have been taking these thoughts captive and am now recognizing them and their potency to destroy. Scripture says that -as a man thinks within himself, so is he. Beware of the ghost of religion past!

What am I striving for?

2004-12-14T10:58:00.000-05:00

If satiating the carnal senses does not put my spirit at ease what will? The first step here is to somehow be able to see beyond my flesh and into my heart. Here I find that I am simply longing to be heard. Why else would I write on a blog site? I want somebody to say "you know what, you have got something important to say." Having heard this I can feel accepted. Essentially, I want to know that I am important enough to someone be loved.

Everybody wants to be loved and will find ways to manipulate their surroundings to feel loved. But feeling loved is not necessarily being loved. We all have our habits which produce similar affects as love. For me, I like to eat. Eating releases chemicals in my body which make me feel good. Some people resort to exercise which will release endorphins in the body creating a high. I once heard of a woman who was so addicted to running that she was hospitalized. During her hospitalization she would try to sneak out of the psyche ward to run! Sounds crazy, but it is true. Just look at pop culture and we see other absurdities such as breast augmentation. Now I am like most any other guy with respects to liking large breasts on women. My head will turn to gawk before I know it. But that has much to do with natural instincts and cultural influences. It has nothing to do do with a person's self-worth or rights. It is ridiculous to think that self worth is derived from the size of anything on anyone's body. Yet, this is exactly the trap our culture has set. Why else does a mirror or scales create anxiety for almost every woman in this country? It goes back to trying to satisfy our senses to satisfy our heart. We say to ourselves the ever-disappointing if-then statements. For example, if I could just lose x number of pounds, then I would feel good about myself. If I can lose these pounds of flesh then I will love myself and my spouse will love me more. This never really works, does it?

I have never been able to fill the longings of my heart with anything other than relationships. The heart cannot be satisfied with the toys and trinkets offered by our retail culture. Never! I am beginning to learn that I must sacrifice the "good life" of western culture for the good life of hearth, home and friends. I heard a pastor in our area say that it would be great for fathers to take the lower performance evaluation at a job to spend time with family. Having a certain amount of money can definitely make certain aspects of life easier. Otherwise, I would not be going back to school. But sometimes I wonder if I would not be better of just getting the best job I can and living life to its fullest with family and friends.

What's the point?

2004-12-12T08:24:00.000-05:00

What is the point? The western culture I live in does little to satisfy life. I find that I have been living a life that is caught up in pleasing my five carnal senses. Because so much of life is spent securing my senses’ longings it is difficult to see much of anything beyond them.

Let me elaborate. Why is taste so important? Why do people and restaurants spend hours to prepare meals which usually only last less than thirty minutes? Why can my wife and I not decide where to eat for our night on the town? Why are there television channels, websites, and retail stores catering to having a better taste experience? Is taste really that important? Taste has been so important in my life that it has been difficult to shed pounds for better health.

What about smell, is it important? Surely, it is. We will do anything cover up the smallest smelling offense. We have deodorant for our arm pits, perfume and cologne to cover up our sweat smell, baking soda for the fridge and freezer, stick ups for garbage cans (remember “stick it to um with stick-ups”), spices for our food, and candles for the home. The sense of smell is the sense most tied in with our memory.

Eyesight, hearing, and touch are no different. My wife has spent hours agonizing over the right shades of colors for our home. I spent years in college learning how to play music which is pleasing to our ears. A friend at the Discovering Community blog notes how he (and I) long for a portable music device with which we can turn on music to match any mood at any moment. Touch speaks for itself in our culture. Sex sells. It is such a powerful advertising device that it is used to sell anything pertaining to any of our senses.

If we take away pleasing our senses, then what is there left to do. If the color of our home is unimportant, if the clothes we wear can be out of style (what is being stylish and why is being stylish important?), if the food we eat can be bland and inexpensive, if what we hear over the radio really doesn’t matter, if body odor is not a big deal, and superfluous touch is subjugated, then what is the point? What am I striving for in this life?

Is my wish list of trinkets needless?

2004-12-11T21:41:00.000-05:00

For me, Christmas is becoming burdensome. Making a wish list is difficult because I need nothing as a natural creature. I have clothing, shelter, food, and stored energy around my gut. The things I would put on my list—like a CD burner, ipod, pocket knife or knife block are trinkets. Maybe a nice sweater would be cozy or maybe a new tobacco pipe to break in would enduce philosophical musing. But alas, these are toys which are as likely to end up in a closet someday as the ratty toy lion and zebra my children each cherish. I know that no matter how much I might want these things they, in and of themselves, will never bring value to my life.

Jesus tells me that if God meets the needs of the animal kingdom, then He will surely meet my needs. I wonder how different am I than they? How different are my needs? From what I gather, we humans are only superior to other animals in our mental capabilities such as rational thought, language, and science. But that is about it as far as I can tell. We are physically inferior to many animals that are faster, stronger, more sensually acute, and can fly or swim much better than we. Is our superiority then that we can adapt and create ways to become superior to the animals? We invent weapons with which we have become the predator not the prey. We invent machines that are faster, can fly higher, and swim as deep as most any animal. We tame the environment to suit our needs and wants. We are the only animal which creates thing that nature cannot reclaim and recycle. We are by nature destroyers who must work at keeping mother earth somewhat healthy.

All of this aside, we still have the same biological needs as other animals—food and shelter. [As humans we have the added need of clothing]

The Christmas culture of today does not address the true needs of spiritual mankind. Biblically, what makes us different than the rest of the earth is our capacity to spiritually commune with God. Christ’s birth was the point in history when God set into motion the final stage of His plan to restore our ability to commune with Him. I believe that I need Christ reborn in my spirit this Christmas season. Santa could not bring me a present which satisfy the longing in my soul. I wish I could forget about Santa.

Are Christians Guilty of Despicable Love?

2004-12-10T13:57:00.000-05:00

What I have experienced is that most people, who have a disdain for practicing Christians, do not have contempt for Jesus's teachings. It seems that the Love that Christ demonstrated is vastly different from that which is taught and practiced throughout the Christian religion. So this questions arises, "Are Christians Guitly of Despicable Love?" To answer this question it is necessary to define love from a Bibilical context--as Jesus practiced it.

This paragraph will be brief and may not answer all questions raised about love, but it should provide a framework from which the question at hand can be sufficiently answered. Biblically speaking love is giving to others what they need without expecting or demanding reciprocation. Practically speaking, Jesus gave Himself as a sacrifice for our redemption (what we need) without regard for Himself; moreover, He gives salvation freely to those who will accept it without demanding that everyone should participate in it (does not expect reciprocation). To accept the salvation offered by Jesus is a choice of exercising one's own free will. If we could not exercise our free will, then what Jesus did would not be very loving. My opinion is that free will is the central gift given to man by God. True love cannot exist without free will. God wants people to love and be loved in freedom. We should enter into and participate in relationships not because we want something in return, but rather so that we can give to the other person. We love the other person because of who they are, not because of what they bring to the table for our benefit. This is where Christianity has failed in practice and teaching.

One example is that it is not loving to enter into a relationship for the sole purpose of winning that person to Christ. Out front this appears to be a very kind act, after all are we not saving souls? This is noble (I guess), but it is not loving. The reason that I think this is because the relationship would not exist unless one is trying to win the other's soul for the team (whatever that means). Essentially the person has no value to the evangelist unless his soul is lost. Christ was concerned with being in relationship with people and loving them regardless of their eternal destiny. Christians should be in relationships with all types of people. Just because they are people. If they want to talk about faith and Christianity that would be fine, but the focus should be on loving the other person, not saving their soul. My job is to love whoever God puts in my path, everything else will take care of itself.

I think it very pompus to assume that I can know 100% of the criteria for another person's salvation and when those criteria have been met! Who has the authority to judge eternal destiny? I would submit that God alone has this authority--NO ONE ELSE.

The act of loving is what should differentiate Christians from all other people, yet it is the one thing where Christians fall terribly short. The bible-belt, where I live, has an extremely high divorce rate, obesity rate, STD rate, and drug abuse rate. We should be known as the hypocrite-belt. We rant and rave about moral positions, yet are the worst offenders. Our closets have just as many, if not more, bones than any other. We are guilty of despicable love. I am guilty.

Is Having the "Right Answer" Morally Superior?

2004-12-06T09:52:00.000-05:00

As mentioned in my previous blog, it is my belief that totally relying on finite answers to questions which only God can answer stunts spiritual growth. I believe this because it is my experience that I stop seeking once I have found a sufficient answer. Not to mention that I begin to judge others by this new found "wisdom." However, I do believe that I should not live in a state of total chaos and oblivion. I need a foundation which is both firm and fluid.

In Tai Chi and other Chinese martial arts, one is taught to have a body state between totally relaxed and totally tense. It is in this state that one learns the ability to lessen the effect of attacking blows by being fluid. Being fluid also allows one to direct the attacker's energy to one's own advantage. Yet, it is in this same state that one is able to deliver devistating blows to the enemy. Bruce Lee likens this kind of blow to being like a ball on the end of a chain. The chain and the ball are relaxed until impact where all of the concentrated energy is released. Having this ability allows one to always be able to change and react to situations without over expending energy.

I have been taught the iron bar approach of spirituality. My body state is to be firm and tense. I am to meet force with force, accepting the blow because I am "Strong in the Lord." I am to strike back with my iron rod in full force, committed to delivering the blow to one spot on the enemy. I am to be a rock which cannot be moved. I am to be the rock that pulverizes others into dust.

For me this latter approach to spirituality is tiresome. When I have the answer I lose my ability to listen to others. I polarize people against me and God. I become unaccepting. I am unable to see how God has made others unique. When I have the right answer I am the one who becomes disabled. I live in a vacuum which is completely isolated and lonely, hanging on to my precious answers for my self worth. At the same time I long for relationships to fill the vacuum I've created through answer clinging.

Does God's Voice Sound Like a Question?

2004-12-04T16:18:00.000-05:00

Believing that we know the answers to spiritual questions is most detrimental to our spiritual growth. Perhaps one of the most often overlooked virtues of Jesus was His ability to question the authority of contemporary religious leaders. As He continually revealed flaws in their teachings, He undermined their authority. My opinion is that the pharisees practiced a theology which they believed inerrant. In other words, they had all they answers needed to live a spiritual life. Jesus said, "think again!" This is why they wanted to kill Him.

I have had a hard time establishing myself in churches because I ask questions about the validity of a church's doctrinal answers to spiritual questions. I question denominational doctrines, not because I wish to cause controversy, but rather because I have a hard time believing that man can provide sufficient answers for all of a Christian's life. It is good to contemplate spiritual matters and the implications of our beliefs. But to believe that we can assert authoritative doctrinal positions is absurd to me. Can we provide answers that only God can provide?

Questioning is part of human nature. It is a greater part of our mental processes than anything else. The brain is constantly answering questions about spatial orientation as we move our bodies about. The essence of science, medicine, court proceedings, conversations, and you-name-it relies on questioning. Try initiating a conversation without a question! What little we know about this world has come through questioning. If this is true, why are we so bent on having spiritual answers? When we answer these questions are we not merely laying down laws and rules to govern ourselves?

It is difficult to live without answers, always burning with questions. But, to question is to discover the greatness of God. To question is to discover oneself, refine beliefs, and discard fruitless dogma. To question is to quest.

"Could it be that questions tell us more than answers ever do?"--Micahael Card song: "Could it Be" album: Present Reality